Claire's blog

me. Florida. sunsets to die for. mangos. me living my best life.

the past 2 weeks have been the most confusing, but absolute best of times. I’ve been babysitting my nieces and nephews everyday which I like to refer as “free birth control”. overall, it’s been a real lovely time. I feel like these past few months have been surrounded by a dark cloud one can only know as depression. they’ve felt sad and cold which could be due to the cold winter months. one thing I know for certain, I haven’t enjoyed it. I remember being depressed on Christmas which that in of itself is sad. I’ve felt lost. I’ve felt lonely despite the many people I am surrounded by on a daily basis. I’ve felt not like myself. I tried to do the things which I knew I enjoyed and found myself lacking motivation or simply feeling numb. that was the most desperate I had felt. to listen to music which brought many feelings, but to feel nothing at all. to feeling like I was wearing a mask anytime I was with people so I could act like myself. it was sorrowful.

I had worried about my weight nearly anytime I ate. I was taking medication for my depression and I am currently on the highest dosage my prescription offers. I had anxieties about never truly being myself again. it was a terrifying feeling.

these past few weeks have offered peace. they’ve offered solitude. they’ve offered a chance for me to restart in a way. I don’t why, but it seems every time I come to Florida, it’s like a new chapter in my life. this week alone, I’ve read 3 books. knowing me and how long it took me to read the harry potter series, that’s a big deal. I’ve drank soda everyday which is something I haven’t done in probably years. not once have I weighed myself. I even looked in the mirror and probably for the first time in my entire life, I actually liked what I saw. compared to 2 years ago when I had to cover my mirror with a blanket, this is huge.

I’m not saying I’ve been “cured” by all of the fears and anxieties I had previous to this trip, but it certainly feels like a step in the right direction. I have felt so genuinely happy and I’ve laughed. I laughed so hard I felt like my lungs would burst. everything about these past 2 weeks has been so good for me. I’ve learned to simply let go. I’ve learned plenty about motherhood. I’ve learned that some things are just not worth stressing about.

I think my favorite thing about these past few weeks is that I truly felt like myself again. I felt so happy. I acted silly with my nieces and nephews and we danced and played and I felt so much joy. it was pure utter bliss.

to those of you who may be struggling with some of the same feelings I have, my heart goes out to you, but I want you to know it gets better. there will be a time where the sad moments seem like a distant memory. the happiness will come much easier. you will be yourself again and I cannot wait for that to happen for you. I have so much love for all of you. I appreciate all of the kind souls that have reached out to me. to the ones who listened. to the ones who made me laugh and feel loved.

it gets better. much love for you.

-claire x

Trigger warning: I talk about mental health and eating disorders. much love x

If you’ve seen any of my stories, it’s been a rough few weeks. Let’s talk about it. First off, I’m a big believer in sharing the good and the bad. Life isn’t perfect. Why should I pretend it is online? I’m gonna be honest, sometimes being vulnerable makes me want to pretend I don’t exist. It makes me want to gag. Ew, people knowing things about me. Bleh. But, sometimes opening up is a good thing so bare with me.

Part of me is nervous is to open up. I don’t really go into depth when it comes to mental health, I usually just say something along the lines of “I’m not okay.” or “It’s been a day.” I think it’s time for me to open up a bit. These past few weeks my mental health has absolutely tanked. I would get random moments where I was sad before, but it seems there’s been a cloud just looming over my head these past few weeks. I’ll have happy moments and I’ll laugh and it is all okay, and then it’s not. I feel so tired and a lack of motivation. I feel like crying sometimes. Sometimes I feel numb. I haven’t really talked about my depression. I get this weird feeling when I mention it. As if people would judge me or think less of me. I’m not sure the reason, but I do think mental health needs to be talked about and not shyed away from. Then there’s the whole anxiety aspect of it all. That’s a thing. Let’s not forget the eating. That’s the one I’m most afraid to talk about for some reason. We’re gonna go a bit into depth with that one so you can skip if it’s triggering or you feel uncomfortable and I’ll let you know when you’re good to continue reading 🙂

My senior year of high school, a boy I had known since first grade died in a car accident. I remember feeling sick to my stomach and just losing my appetite. It was then where I realized how easy it was to skip meals and so it began. I skipped lunch a lot. I would just say I wasn’t hungry. Maybe people noticed. Maybe they didn’t. Who knows? It would go in phases. Sometimes, I would be happy with how I looked. I would be okay and happy. And then something would trigger and it would start all over again. Sometimes I had to cover the mirror in my room because I hated what I saw. I would be okay for a few months and then I wasn’t. It was never diagnosed, but if I had to put a word for it, it would be anorexia. I had this intense fear of gaining weight and I have no idea where it stemmed from. I have anxiety eating in front of people. I have anxiety of just eating sometimes. Sometimes when I eat I get depressed. It’s been nearly 3 years. I started going to therapy and because I didn’t look all skin and bones, I was convinced it wasn’t an actual problem. Spoiler alert, it was. I still struggle with it obviously. Because my mental health has been so bad, I’ve decided to go back to counseling. Cheers to therapy x I wasn’t shy about it when I did go, but now it seems a scary thought going. I’m not weak. I don’t want people to think I am. I got it all under control for my mission because I knew that I couldn’t serve if it was an issue. Then there was a trigger about a month into my mission and it’s just cycled since then. I’m fine now. I’m trying to learn how to build a healthy relationship with food instead of finding it scary or bad, but it’s hard to change that mindset when you’ve had it for nearly 3 years. Alright, enough of that.

YOU CAN READ NOW 🙂

As a lead in my mission, I constantly feel like I have to have it together or otherwise I’m not a good missionary. I know these are garbage thoughts. There are a lot of areas I could improve on. I know that. It’s okay to not be okay. I’m still learning that. I know things are going to be okay. They always are. For now, it’s a bit rough, but I have THE best support system and so much love in my life. I know I’m not alone. I am so blessed and so lucky. Mental health is no joke. Patience is key. I know there are better days ahead. There are better days behind me. Make sure you keep track of the good days so you can remember them. That helps me a lot. It’s going to be okay. You are never alone. I hope you know how loved you are. By me and by Heavenly Father. There’s always going to be tough days as much as it sucks, but there is always good. Sometimes it’s hard to look for, but it’s there.

I’m not posting this for sympathy or pity. I don’t want you to feel sorry. I want you to know that it’s okay to not be okay. You’re not alone. 2020 has been rough for a lot of people. Your feelings are valid. Things get better. God is good even when it’s not good. There are so many blessings in my life. There is still so much good. Make sure you don’t miss it. I absolutely adore my mission and my friends. I’m so extremely grateful for the opportunity to serve. It fills me with joy even on the bad days.

I love you all dearly and I appreciate you all. I wouldn’t have made it this far without you all and this gospel. Asking for help is not weak. You are not weak for having bad days. You are not a bad person for struggling. You don’t have to face it alone. You are human and it is okay to feel. It’s okay to not have it together. It’s okay to not be okay. It is not selfish to focus on your mental health. Be kind to yourself. Be patient. Progress is still progress no matter how small.

stay safe. be kind. choose love always. claire x

We know that I’m a service missionary. It’s no secret. Here’s the thing. There’s a lot of confusion with what I do. How I do it. And so on and so forth. I’m gonna be real honest with you here. I don’t know. I genuinely do not know what I’m doing or if I’m doing any of it right.

In 2019, the church changed the service missions and how they serve. There were more rules. It’s no longer just a few days a week. You can’t date. You could before, that’s why I added that. You could have a job before. Things are so different now, but along with that, there’s still a lot of leeway. I get questions about my “rules” and what they are. I was given a pamphlet that is the size of the “For the strength of youth” pamphlet and it’s basically the same things. Most of it says something along the lines of “wholesome and uplifting” and basically be as Christlike as possible. I was told that a lot of it is up to personal interpretation. As long as it doesn’t distract from the spirit, it is fine. That’s the gist of it. I don’t have curfew. I don’t have a companion. Well, I do, but it’s completely different.

My mission is completely different than the “norm” which is why I think people need to talk about service missions even more. There’s a stigma with service missions and whether or not they’re real missions. I’ve heard some people say that service missions are just the easy way out. They come with their own trials. They’re not easy. There’s challenges, just maybe not the typical challenges you face on a proselyting mission. Yes, my “rules” are more flexible, but it’s still challenging. There are worldly temptations every way I turn. I can watch movies still as long as it’s “wholesome and uplifting” as well as listen to music. I don’t get to wear my badge all the time. Only at the studio and at church which may make it seem like I’m not a “real” missionary. I am a missionary. My mission experience is SO different. I was called to a service mission and I was told that I would be a pioneer through all of it. There are many trials I face with living at home. It’s nice that I’m at home. There are many blessings, but I promise you this. I did not take the easy way out. My life may seem all sunshine and rainbows, and for the most part it is, only because I have learned to rely on my Savior more than ever.

I think I’m always going to question whether or not I’m a good missionary. Whether or not I am doing a good enough job. Whether or not I am following all of the rules. There is still a lot of confusion with what I do. I get it. I’m confused as well. We’re all still trying to figure this out because it is still a new concept to all of us. This is a new experience. It’s different in so many ways, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’ve had many experiences that have had happened that I wouldn’t have gotten had I gone on a proselyting mission.

This is my mission. It’s not normal, but let’s be honest, none of my life is really “normal” at this point. This is my mission. MY mission. It is completely my own. It is different in so many ways, but that’s what I prayed for I suppose. I’m the youngest of 5 kids so it’s not very often that I do something that not everyone else has done. I couldn’t wait to go on a mission so I could finally have my very own experiences. I didn’t know what the Lord had in store for me, but He sure did answer my prayers. I’m still learning the ropes of the service mission life. I’m doing my best. I really do try. But if I have learned anything, the Lord loves effort. I’m giving it my all. I know I post a LOT about my life on social media (I think it’s important to show the realness and rawness of life), but believe it or not, I don’t post every detail about my mission. There’s just too many details to share. BUT if you want the details of everything I do, let me know if you want my weekly emails. You get all the behind the scenes actions *wink wink*. My mission has been the BEST experience for me. I have learned so much. My testimony has grown a whole lot. I’m so grateful for this opportunity and I could not be more grateful for this experience.

Anyways, end the stigma that service missions aren’t real missions. They’re totally valid. Service missions do SO much that know one really knows about. Ask me about it. If you have questions, ask me about it ! It’s not taboo. It’s not uncomfortable. If you don’t know, simply ask.

Not to be dramatic or anything, but life is just super swell. Big fan of it honestly. I’ve truly never been happier. I feel like I say that every week, but I truly do mean it. Life is just so good. Even in the hardest moments, it’s not difficult to find good in it.

Today was the first day I was able to go back to the studio since the quarantine 3 days after my mission started. It was just the loveliest feeling. It’s very different now, but the spirit is as strong as ever. Masks are enforced. Only 5 missionaries are allowed per shift. It’s quiet, but it’s just so good to be back.

tomorrow, we head out to Goshen to help clean up set for an upcoming project. To say I am excited is an understatement to the MAX. I’m so excited to get back and serve the way I was called to. I love wearing my badge. I love feeling like an actual missionary again. It’s taken 5 months, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. So many trials, but each one shaping me into the person I desire to be.

I’m so grateful I get to play a small part in what we call life. If it means serving as Christ did for the next 13 months, then I am beyond honored. Service missions are so cool. Sorry to my proselyting friends, but I really do have it so good.

These past few weeks, I have felt the overwhelming love of my Savior more and more everyday. I wish everyone could feel it. I wish everyone could feel the joy I’m feeling. My life isn’t perfect. There’s still plenty of issues, believe me. But the more I rely on my Savior and the Atonement, the happier my life is. There’s a quote by President Russell M Nelson where he says “The joy we feel has little do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.” How true that is!! Forgiveness comes easier. It’s still difficult, but it comes easier. Love comes easier. I promise you this. As you focus on your relationship with your Savior and how you can serve as He did and love as He did, joy will come. Peace will come. Because of Him, I have felt true happiness. I have felt hope. I have felt His love. I could not be more grateful to be a missionary during this time. I know this was no coincidence. I know I am here for a reason. This gospel is so good. I invite you to learn how you can strengthen your relationship with your Heavenly Father and your Savior. Learn what the Savior has done for you. Lean unto Him. If you have questions, I invite you to do as Joseph Smith did and pray and ask the Lord. “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”

if you read all of this, thank you. I love you dearly. You are so loved and I hope you feel that daily. Stay safe. Be kind. Choose love always.

with much love and gratitude, sister fannin x

Recently, human trafficking has been becoming more talked about. With some research, I wanted to share some facts. Tim Ballard is the founder of Operation Underground Railroad which is a non profit organization focused on rescuing children from slavery. If you don’t know anything about them, I highly recommend it. There’s a movie that’s called “Operation Toussaint” that shows the behind the scenes of this organization and talks about how it started.

It’s a very taboo subject that not a lot of people talk about. People don’t want to talk about kids being raped. It’s a disgusting thought. It’s awful, but it’s our reality. It’s terrible to think about these kids being held against their will, but it’s time for us to wake up and accept that it’s happening and take action. There are petitions to sign against traffickers that didn’t serve time or didn’t serve as long as they should have. There’s places to donate to keep organizations like this funded. Do your research and look into what companies you’re supporting and what kind of factories are the supplies being made in. Stop supporting sweatshops. Stop supporting child labor.

Now here’s some facts.

The USA creates the demand as the HIGHEST producer and consumer of child pornography. There are roughly 20 to 40 million slaves in the world today. 10 million of them are children. In the 18th century alone, there was around 8 to 9 million slaves imported to the US. Every 30 seconds a child is sold in slavery. For sex, for labor, and for organ harvesting. Slavery is the fastest growing criminal enterprise. Slavery generates three times the revenues of the NFL. THREE TIMES. During the quarantine, the cases have only gone up. Now, these statistics don’t include all the cases that have gone undetected.

Here are some places you can donate or sign petitions or do more research for yourself.

linkin.bio/ourrescue

polarisproject.org

love146.org

freetheslaves.net

Some things you can do at home. Talk to your kids about who they talk to. I know it’s an uncomfortable topic, but spreading awareness starts with you. Trust me, I would love to just pretend that this isn’t an issue and not talk about it, but that’s not the reality. This is a growing problem.

Typing that title feels so surreal. I was going through old posts and the blog I wrote right after I got my call. To me it felt like one of the most difficult things I had experienced, and in a way it was. I remember how heartbroken I was that I was staying home, but now I can’t imagine it any other way.

My mom has this cousin and he’s a real lovely guy and I was with him when I got the call that I had to meet my stake president. That was right before I found out it was a service mission. He told me this story which I’m gonna sum up for you. He had this job that he got let go from, but then he found this other job soon after that was closer to where he lived, same pay, better for his health, and a lot better all around. He told me that sometimes things happen, but they’re blessings in disguise. Oh how he was right about that.

It’s obviously a bit difficult being home and all that, but I’ve grown closer to my Savior more than I could have ever imagined. There’s a lot of opportunities that come from my mission as well which is amazing.

I wish I could go back and tell myself to 1) get over myself, 2) everything will work out for the best I promise.

If you were wondering how I’ve been doing with the whole mission thing, honestly pretty good. Things are a bit difficult with everything going on, but the gospel is so good and it’s brought me so much peace and comfort. I was reading a talk a little bit ago and there was a quote in there that said “Who am I to be angry with when Heavenly Father is in this with me?” That couldn’t be more true. There are times where we look for someone to blame, but Heavenly Father is our biggest supporter. I promise that if you pray to feel His love for you, your life will never be the same.

We have a choice every single day that we wake up of what you can put into the world and I ask you to please choose love every single day.

be a lover,

choose love,

give love,

love everyone,

always.

-c

Mission update part 4629 probably.

On Wednesday I got a phone call from one of my on site leaders asking if I’d be okay with being the official secretary or whatever. Um, responsibility? Sure, why not?

Had a meeting today with one of the managers at the studio and he told me that I’d basically be his right hand. Hold up. They didn’t tell me that part.

Basically my job is to help out the manager as much as possible so I’ll know about all the projects going on and I’ll be helping out the missionaries as much as possible with what they need. I’ll be editing projects and making phone calls and ordering stuff the studio needs.

So, to sum it up, I’m basically AP. 3 months into the mish and I’m already AP. Yeah, pretty much the coolest girl in the world.

It’s a bit intimidating if I’m being honest, but the manager told me that I have to be more in tune with the spirit more than ever. It’s not just office stuff, I’ll be spending a lot of time on my knees so I can know what to do for the missionaries.

Considering I have only been a missionary for 3 months, I was rather confused why they chose me when they could have chose anybody else that knew more about the websites we use and knew the missionaries better than I did. The manager told me that it was because of my “big personality”. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve heard this a few dozen times my whole life. “Wow, she’s definitely got a big personality.” It’s not just my job to help the leaders, it’s my job to be there for the missionaries and to make sure they feel good about themselves and know that they’re doing what they are supposed to be doing.

I still have no idea when I’ll be returning to the studio, but I do feel much better about the circumstances YA KNOW I’M SAYIN. As soon as I get back, there’ll be regular weekly updates instead of random ones that happen once a month or whatever.

Thanks for all the lovely support. Thanks for reaching out. Thanks for being so kind to me. Thanks for being in my life. I appreciate you all so much. I hope you’re all doing well. Much love x

first and foremost, if you’re reading this, thank you. thank you for taking time out of your day to read my thoughts.

it’s been 2.5 months of quarantine for me. it’s been interesting for sure. people have asked me how I’ve been coping because of the whole mission thing. honestly? it was really rough at first. the way everyone talked about it was as if we’d all return to normal life in a few weeks. of course that’s not how things go. it was just constant “oh, we don’t know, but it could be soon.” a lot of waiting. yet again. my mental health tanked for a bit. I struggled with old habits, but I’m good now. don’t you fret. I woke up one day and I realized I had wasted so much time being sad for no reason and being insecure and afraid when it did me no good. so here we are. I am happy

during quarantine, I’ve gone on countless drives singing my heart out. I’ve started learning French. it’s going okay. I’ve started reading and writing poetry again which I haven’t done in ages. I’ve sewed a lot. I’ve started learning about Greek mythology because I thought it was cool. I’ve done a lot during this time that I probably wouldn’t have done otherwise.

things are weird right now. who knows when everything will be okay again, but I do know that I am okay right now and I am extremely grateful for that.

to all you parents who have had to adjust to your kids being home all the time, you’re doing better than you think. to the parents who lost their jobs, I’m so sorry that happened to you, but I’m glad you got to spend a bit more time with your family. to those of you who are still working during all of this, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could tell you when everything will be normal again, but I can’t. I can, however, tell you how much you are loved. goodness, you are so loved. I know everything is difficult right now, but I’ll be here anytime you need me.

don’t forget who you are. give yourself some credit.

all the love, claire x

First off, here’s a lil life update. After 3 days of serving at the motion picture studio, it was put on pause due to the virus. I was honorably excused. Just kidding, I’ve just always wanted to say that. I’ve been quarantined ever since. It’s been a blast and a half. Here’s what I’ve been up to.

I started learning French. It’s going okay. I’ve cleaned so much because I have nothing better to do. I’ve learned a few dances. They’re mediocre. I taught a few “history” lessons . I swear I’m not actually that stupid. I feel the need to put that out there. I’ve also slept a lot. And read a lot of scriptures. I’ve written a few letters. I haven’t written a letter in YEARS. I’ve also cried a lot. I’ve played piano a bit. Learned a few classics like stairway to heaven. I’ve talked to some friends a lot which has been way nice and has helped lots. Skittles has been a real life saver during this time.

As for my mission, we do little devotionals every Monday and Thursday over little webcam thingys. It’s cool to still see all of the people I serve with. I still haven’t met some of them so it’s kinda weird to see them. It’s really awesome that we can still feel the spirit together when we’re all in different places. I can’t wait to get back and serve with them again. 3 days sure does change you. WILD. My first month of the mission has been spent in quarantine which has been kinda tough, but I’m not alone in this which makes it kinda cool.

During this time, I’ve felt really inspired by Joseph Smith. All that he had to go through and he still had such a strong and amazing testimony through it all. If he can go through all of that and still believe as strongly as he did, why can’t I? Sure, it’s frustrating and difficult, but we’re all in this together. Just like high school musical. Things will be good again.

My friends and I have this inside joke when they need advice if they need Claire advice or Sister Fannin advice. I’m pretty much 2 people at once. It’s wild, but the difference is actually so amazing. The power of a missionary right there. I was asked the other day if being a missionary during this time has helped me or not. I hadn’t really thought about it, but as I did, I realized that it has helped me in ways I didn’t recognize before. It’s given me a lot of peace. I’m doing more studying now then I did before I became a missionary. Everything is a service opportunity now. I thought it was the end of the world when I got my mission call and found out I was staying home, but it’s been a real blessing now. What if this was part of the reason I stayed home? What if I needed to be a missionary during this time? You can’t tell me it was a coincidence I was set apart as a missionary right as this was all starting. I know that after all this is done and over with, I’ll go right back to the studio and pick up where I left off which isn’t difficult since I had just started. I’m very lucky in a lot of ways.

It’s okay to not be okay during these times. It’s okay to be positive and optimistic about the future. It’s okay to feel like you’re going insane. I’m rooting for you. And if you ever need some Sister Fannin advice, I’d be more than happy to offer my services. I’ll include you in my prayers. I’ll read some scriptures with you. I’ll send some goofy memes. Whatever it is that you need, I’ll be more than happy to help with. From a distance of course.

all the love, sister fannin x

also side note, I’ve gotten a few questions as to what this whole thing means for me as a missionary. I have not been released and will not be or intend on it. My release date stays the same so it will still be an 18 month mission. September 12, 2021. still a fat minute away

hey, remember that one time I went on a mission kind of? the one where I waited 2 months for my call and then another month for my official assignment? yeah, the one where I was pretty bummed about at first and then I got pretty excited about. also the one where I was only there for 3 days until it all got shut down. hah, nice.

remember that one time when I went home and found out our microwave had exploded and our fridge was broken and then my car broke the next day? remember that one time where we were all quarantined and we couldn’t see any of our beloved friends and family? remember that one time this virus spread all over the world and killed thousands of people? oh yeah, that’s still happening.

remember that one time our prophet, President Nelson released a message of hope and it was the number 1 trending video on youtube? remember that one time where hundreds of people of all different faiths and backgrounds found peace and comfort in that video? remember that one time where thousands of missionaries were being sent home so they could be with their families during this trying time? remember that one time where we were all scared and confused? wait, I still feel like that.

remember that one time where the sun was shining and the birds were chirping and kids were riding their bikes up and down the streets? remember that one time where the snow was falling gently and you wanted nothing more than to build a snowman and then drink some hot cocoa afterwards? remember that one time where you got all dressed up for halloween and you were so excited to show your friends your costume and get so much candy that night? remember that one time where school was terrible and boring and you were sick of the homework but at least you got to see your friends? I miss that.

remember that one time when you woke up and you looked out on to the streets and it was silent? remember that one time where going to the grocery store wasn’t a fear of yours? remember that one time when there was toilet paper on the shelves and you actually had options? remember that one time where you looked at your child and you were so proud of them and not afraid of their future? remember that one time where politicians and leaders fought over anything and everything when there was actual people dying? remember that one time they told us all about social distancing and how we need to stay inside our houses to protect ourselves and people still went out? remember that one time where they said one person couldn’t change the world? ask mr undercooked bat man about that one.

truth is, I’ve never been more afraid of what the future holds, but I’ve also never felt more peace. I feel like it’s gonna be awhile until things go back to they were, and maybe they never truly will. things are frustrating and confusing and it’s all kind of sad, but we have no choice but to go on. things will be good again. it’s okay to be frustrated and upset and sad and mad about all that’s going on, but it’s also okay to laugh and smile and see good.

how lucky are we to feel utter bliss and happiness, but also true despair and sadness all in the same lifetime

how lucky are we to be able to see first and forehand how amazing the world can be and how we can come together so fast

how lucky are we to be in a position to be grateful for the things we have before the chaos hits

how lucky are we to know that this is temporary

this too shall pass. it may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass

how lucky are we to feel love and to be loved in a world where so much hate can exist

how lucky are we to have modern medicine to help us through all the many illnesses

how lucky are we to see colors and to feel the wind in our hair and hear the bees buzzing and to be alive

how lucky are we to have the things we do

remember that one time where there was so much chaos in the world yet we knew we would be okay? yeah, me too

-c